Just Something I Wrote

I have several friends on Facebook and IRL that struggle with depression. For those friends that I am not as close with personally, I, like many of us, tend to make assumptions about other people's lives. 

 

A friend posted the image below today on Facebook. Funny thing. She seems to have it all to me. She is married to the love of her life. Plays music professionally. Travels. Seems happy....... but that's not what depression is. And I know better. It's not dependent upon external circumstances, although that certainly can enhance or dispel it. It's this shadow that follows you. Some days it is very small and you don't mind that it exists. Because you know that it is part of you. You know that you have to live with it. Some days it is large - engulfing you with waves of pain that take every breath that you have and you worry (quite seriously) whether you will live through it.

 

The irony of depression is that many of us that suffer with this have an almost inability to suppress the Self. For society often asks us to suppress our Selves..... why can't you be happy? Why can't you be positive? Why do you have to say that - say this instead. Wear your hair like this. Wear these clothes. Appear this way in public. And the ways that people wish you compromise your Self are endless.

 

Yet we continue to fight to BE who we ARE. We continue to express ourselves. Say the "wrong" things. Do the "embarrassing" things. Stand out. Shout out loud. And inevitably are told to be quiet. If you are a songwriter, you write a song with a cuss word in it (oh the horror!). Or write a song about a girl that ODs and sells herself on the street for money. Or you get onstage and tell someone that they can wait til next week for the crappy band to play the over-requested song they want to hear. You fight back because your inner soul refuses to be silenced. For the soul knows that silence in itself is death. Maybe worse. But through that fight you continue to go against the grain and be outside the "norm". Your existence becomes a challenge to everything around you. Your friction becomes stronger. Your struggle becomes even harder.

 

All of my life, I tried desperately to "fit in". It is the heart of the inspiration for a song I wrote called "Outside the Outsiders". I always wanted to be like everyone else. Not understanding that none of us are alike. And some of us are very far outside of a "norm" - unique to the point of "weird" or "strange" or "different". People that cannot accept me is still a source of constant frustration. Even though I know that they are shallow.  I know that they cannot see beyond the very small piece of real estate that they live on. They refuse to see an entire world and centuries of history and constant evolution. They see colors. They see beauty in superficiality framed in a current context. They judge. With a scale that is impossible to balance.

 

So I say to this friend whom I hardly know - Embrace your unique-ness. Embrace your bad-ness. Embrace your sad-ness. Embrace your negativity. Embrace your positive side. Be you. Be weird. Be different. But be YOU. The depression comes and goes. Yes, take care of that. Do not allow it to engulf and drown you. Because we need you. As long as you can stay with us on this planet, we need you. We don't need more people that water down their existence and silence their inner Selves to "fit in". We need YOU. That beautiful, unique, ugly, interesting, boring, amazing, horrible, incredible YOU.

 

Steps

Seems like I have been wandering for awhile. I remember being a young child listening to the story of the children of Israel wandering in the desert for 40 years. My developing brain envisioned these people just walking around in circles all day and night following the cloud and the fire and dodging falling food at mealtimes.

We worry about where we have been. We worry about the past - regrets, roads we should have taken, and roads we shouldn't have. We worry about the future - about security, about happiness, about longevity. And I think today about steps. The steps that brought me here and the steps I take today and the steps I may take tomorrow. But all I can really see is this step. The past is gone. I can't step back and choose a different route. The future is too far away. I can't see where it leads. I can't see whether I'm on the "right" or "wrong" road.

And maybe that is all that life is about? Just a step. And then one day you look behind you and you see where you have traveled. You see where you fell down. You see where you ran. You see where you danced. You see where you stopped to rest. And it was a journey. Your own. No one else's. Even if someone walks with you. They are never taking your steps. 

The day after I landed in Beijing, China, I climbed The Great Wall. It was amazing. Surreal. I was surprised by the structure. The steps were uneven -  some tall, some short. Not from weather erosion or human traffic erosion, but from the building itself. It's difficult to climb steps when you cannot anticipate the height of each one. You are like a blind man trying to walk. You can try to sense. But you have to pay attention. Be careful. Be aware.

We are all blind to our path. Maybe sometimes we don't pay attention. We let our guard down and quit being careful. We lose our purpose and become blissfully unaware.

I wanted to make it a certain distance along the wall. It was challenging physically. I was tired from the long flight and the time change. But if I just focused on that one step at a time. If I didn't look too far in the distance, I wasn't as impatient.

I'm notorious for over-analyzing the past and worrying over the future. But all I can really change is this one minute of my existence.

Self-acceptance is huge for me. Huge. I am working back to a point of authenticity. I've been distracted for so long. And so-called "friends" don't help. Stones whirl all around us. Judgmentalism is Hypocrisy's favorite whore. But I know this. I know better. I look inside. I look in the mirror of true friends that truly care and realize that I am who I think I am. I just need to focus on that. Ignore the rest.

So today I just focus on this step. This one step. Lifting one foot. Setting it down. Here. Wherever here is. And turn around every once in awhile and smile about where I have been. And then another turn brings another smile for all of the places I have yet to be. But really. I am just here.

January 31st

I have this odd fascination with couples displaying their love permanently in public places. I always wonder if they are still together or if they broke up and completely hate each other.

So I take pictures when it strikes me. I have pics from bar walls, from dollar bills hung on restaurant walls - I even have one from the brick wall at Graceland in Memphis.

Today is January 31st. And until January 31, 2014, today was always an ordinary day.  It wasn't someone's birthday. It wasn't a holiday.  Every January 31st prior to 2014 was a day like any other. The last day of January. The day before payday.

I lost my brother, Joel Sloan, on January 31, 2014.  He left this planet where he had been suffering in excruciating pain from Stage IV colon cancer. For the rest of my life, January 31st will be a day of remembrance for me. A day to remember him with smiles and sadness.

I have told my children many things in preparation for the trials that Life will one day bring them. Like, "no matter what happens, things will always get better." I want them to always hold on to Hope. Times can be bad. But they never stay that way. All you have to do is wait it out. Or, "there is a solution for everything." This comes in handy especially with my oldest son who is impatient and gives up easily (of course he turns it around on me quite a bit lol).

But I have always reminded them that everything ends. It is natural. We are born and we die. We fall in love and we fall out of love. We create something and that creation is consumed. Nothing lasts. It is the way that Life is. We should not fear it but try to accept it and realize that after an ending, there is always a new beginning.

Someone close to you passes on to another life and you look around at other people and think, "How can you laugh? How can there be happiness? How can you sit there and act like the world didn't just end?" And time goes on and you laugh again and you find some joy and you realize the world didn't end. Just one part of you.

I see pictures of my brother's wife and sons and see smiles and it makes me glad that they go on. Not like life is perfect. Not like they don't miss him. But there are still good times.

I went on a walk today and snapped a picture of the concrete etching of someone's feelings. C and M (or maybe just C or M) felt compelled to "permanently" display that together they have happiness. I wonder if they are still together. I wonder if M walks that sidewalk at times just to remind herself of something that she had that she doesn't feel anymore. Or maybe she just wishes she had a jackhammer to remove it completely. Or maybe C and M walk hand in hand at night and smile whenever they walk over that part of the path.

Nothing lasts. It's not meant to. Enjoy the path you are on now. Carve your love into a tree.  Giggle with your kids about something completely silly. Grin at the camera even if you have a broken heart or miss someone terribly. Look for those things that remind you that there is good and bad in everything and that endings and beginnings co-exist.  

Happy birthday in heaven, Joel.

"I'd rather see you up than see you down."--Willie Nelson

Pick Your Battles

As a child, I was a staunch fighter. A truth seeker and a truth spreader. A promoter of right and a defeater of wrong and injustice. I was Wonder Woman, even though as many times as I turned around in the privacy of my room, I never instantly donned the outfit or the lasso (the invisible jet would certainly have come in handy).

Of course, black and white never stay so unless you continue to live in a glass house. I learned that right and wrong weren't quite so clear and the truth wasn't always easily identifiable - or easy to promote.

And that is what changed the most for me. I got tired of the fight.  Granted, that J part of my personality is still there. It is that part of my nature that will never change and will always guide my gut reaction. But I don't need to fight. Not all the time. Not for everything.

So you learn restraint. Patience. Listening. Relating to the speaker. And only speak when you are ready to battle. When it is something worth the fight. Or something you think might change the perspective of your counterpart.

I pick my battles with my kids. I CAN win every one. In a heated battle with my stubborn oldest son (he's a Scorpio), I said, "Do and say what you want, but you ain't gonna win this fight. I'm the Mom and that means I WIN EVERY TIME." But I do not have a dictatorial or authoritarian parenting style. I have a relationship with my kids. I want them to come to the right decision on their own. I want them to learn how to learn. I want them to be who the Are. And, honestly, beyond that, I had 3 kids in 3 years. Some days you let the kids eat the cookies because you've already had 2 fights that day and you're exhausted.

The issue with coming to this understanding and realization is that there are errors in judgement regarding what battles are truly important. I look back on some I fought and regret fighting it. And on the other hand, the "pick your battles" philosophy can lead to a silence in the Self, which is, in my opinion, THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO TO YOUR SELF. I have done this 4 times now in my life (that I consciously recall), and each time it is incredibly detrimental to my spirit.

Silence means you lose your voice. Silence means you quell the sounds in your head and do not allow them expression or freedom. Silence means you give over the power within your Self and give it to someone or something else. Silence means you ignore the courage within you and do not receive the gift of empowerment that comes from standing alone for your Self. Silence means that you underscore that your thoughts, words and feelings do not have value or purpose. Silence leads to a shadowy existence of following someone (usually) or something else and losing the beauty of your unique existence and the beautiful contribution that adds to the souls on this planet.

Why are you silent? We live in a polarized world regarding politics, sex, religion and anything else not related to simple Math. Are you silent because the battle truly is not worth the effort? Are you silent because you are in that place of listening and waiting - hibernating until you are ready to speak your voice? Are you silent because you are tired of the fight and need to spiritually re-fuel? Or are you silent because you feel you have no voice? Are you silent because someone or some thing has stripped you of your internal power?

A friend recently told me that a person who has been in my life is my kryptonite, stripping me of power and strength and voice. Do you have a kryptonite? Is it a person? Is it a substance? Is it a thing? Is it a life circumstance? And let's say you rid yourself of it or at least acknowledge what it does to you? How do you strengthen yourself? How do you find your voice again and find the courage to let it be heard?

My quest of late is to find my voice again. It is not to be heard. It is not to gain some external reward. It is simply to find it within and just let it go. THAT is true power. THAT is what fuels the soul.

Pick your battles. But do not silence your Self. Keep your voice within, but if you have lost it you CAN find it again. Find it through those things that strengthen your Soul and allow you to express what exists inside only YOU.

Peace.

And I'm Free

So I'm continuing my recent trend of watching documentaries about rock bands.... Last night I watched the documentary about the band Chicago. Regardless of whether you like their music, it is a fascinating tale of uber-talented musicians creating their own music, rising to fame, and fighting to continue to create their own sound.

The band was left reeling after the death of Terry Kath, the lead singer and guitar player and (in their words), the primary "motivator and driving force" of the band.  A new producer came into play and Peter Cetera stepped forward as lead singer.  It changed the sound of the band. Horns were less important. And the founding members felt lost and unhappy. And then Peter Cetera left the band.

And the band morphed again. But what I took away from their story centers around the quotes from various members that I'd like to share:

"We needed a departure."

"It's not gonna stay the same. It's gotta be different. It's gotta go somewhere."

"I don't care what they [the critics] think."

"It's cyclical. You just do your best work and don't self-destruct. It all comes back around. You just stay and survive."

"A writer writes always."

This is a journey. We are not static. We are dynamic. We are MEANT to be that way. We start as a tiny infant and live to become upright beings. We begin with smooth, soft skin and morph into aged, spotted, wrinkled skin. We begin unable to talk and grow to express the understanding, knowledge and wisdom of a lifetime. We should evolve. We have to. Nature expects it from us.

So why do we fight it? Why do we fear change and growth and difference and the possibility of uniqueness, when every cell in our body compels us to do it?

From my earliest remembrances, all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother. There is this part of my soul that was destined to be a mother. And I had that. In 1999, I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And, to this day, I tell her that she changed my life. Not because she was my first child, but because, for the first time, I saw myself in someone else. I saw myself as a child. I saw who I truly was and what I truly wanted and needed. I realized when she was very young that I was much more than a mother. I was meant to be something else. I knew that music was a strong part of that. But I did not realize until much later that there was even more.

I have to change. I need to change. I must change. Because it is natural. It is part of who I am and what I am. As a human being. I am a mother. I am a singer. I am a violinist (or fiddle player if you prefer). I am an intellectual. I am a writer. I am a teacher. I am a computer specialist. I am a chef. And in all of this I change. I grow. I learn. I evolve.

I can't fight growing older. I can't fight the skin that sags, the grey in my hair, the tension in my joints, the decreasing hearing and vision. So why would I fight a change in Self? Why would I fear the soul that seeks the same evolution as my physical shell?

So. Who are you? What are you fighting and why do you fear a change in your soul? What if, instead of just surviving, you embraced your Self? What if you allowed the wrinkles to form and the grey to multiply and see just what person you would be?

I no longer attempt to attain or achieve anything. I want to simply be who I am. And live that - without apology and without excuse or explanation. If you could live who YOU are, who would that be? What would you say or do differently than you say or do now?

You are free. Free to change. Free to grow. So change. Grow. Your body does it. Now let your soul.

Peace.

 

Chutes and Ladders

BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE!!  It's a snow day. OK Northerners. Quit.  I know I'm in Houston. But we're acclimated to muggy, overbearing heat. We are thin skinned and can handle freezing temps as well as you can handle the temps in the 100s. And hardly any of us know how to drive on ice.

So we are stuck indoors Day 2 . . . . it's just me and the 7 year old at the house. I'm tired of applying for jobs and tired of her staring at her iPad. So I brought down the board games.  The first we played was Chutes and Ladders. As with any elementary school age child, the goal is to win every game that you play.

The game started off fine. She was winning. But she hit a chute and down she went. Below me. The hurt was in her voice. The tears were almost there. I said, "Wait. You may hit that ladder and be almost to the top." She stayed with it.

And I went down a chute. And up a ladder. And she went up a ladder. And down a chute. And the game went on. And she won. And ran around the house and up the stairs cheering that she won.

Last night I watched "History of the Eagles", a documentary about the rock band The Eagles, for a second time.  I was struck once again by the words of an older Joe Walsh, reflecting on his life:

"You know, there’s a philosopher who says, 'As you live your life, it appears to be anarchy and chaos, and random events, non-related events, smashing into each other and causing this situation or that situation, and then, this happens, and it’s overwhelming, and it just looks like what in the world is going on. And later, when you look back at it, it looks like a finely crafted novel. But at the time, it don’t.'"

As Emilee and I played Chutes and Ladders today, I was hit by that quote again. Life is falling down and climbing to the top and tumbling down again and your perspective is SO different at the beginning of the "game" than at the end.  At the beginning, she was ready to throw in the towel and give up. At the end, she looked back and saw that the slides backwards and the forward accomplishments were all part of a big picture. They were nothing more than movement in different directions - all in an effort to reach the end of a game.

I didn't win. I wasn't finished yet. But I loved seeing her smiles, frowns and frustrations trying to reach the place she was meant to reach.

The key? She didn't give up. She kept going. What made it fun? Not winning. But the thrill of going back and forth, up and down, not knowing where you are, but just hoping that you will reach the end.

And in this Life, you always reach the end.

Enjoy the game.

 

Hi I'm Leslie Anne Sloan

Hi there. If you know me, you may know me as Leslie or Leslie Anne Sloan or by my artist name, Miss Leslie.  I blogged for years on my artist site at http://missleslie.typepad.com. But I have not blogged there in quite awhile.

I have been lost and wandering for years. I released my last album in 2013 and I have written very few songs since then.  I have used my personal Facebook account as an outlet for my writing but did not find it as fulfilling as my blogsite.

My close friends have encouraged me lately to write again and for the past year I have not been ready.  Now I am. 

I will write about pretty much everything, although I will say little of politics or religion. I am more enamored with spirituality and the humanity and deity that resides within each soul present upon this earth.

I will write about things that affect me. Things that inspire me. It may be music. It may be words I hear as I go through my day. It may be a sign I pass by on the road. It may be my children.

I hope that you will stop by and see if you find anything of value. If not, I will write anyway.